Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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