Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
