new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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