Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
