why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
