and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
