Buhtt sex?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
