Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
