Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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