omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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