I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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