that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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