All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
