i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
