You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
