I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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