just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
