Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Houston, we have a squirter
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Randomize
