My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
