you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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