Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
