Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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