oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
