I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
