I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
