he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
