You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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