ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
