I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
is wine microwaveable?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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