Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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