Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize