I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
