Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
