Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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