so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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