you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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