eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
