you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
