I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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