I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
