She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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