He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
