Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
