I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize