I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
pray to the hookup gods
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
