bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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