Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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