Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
