Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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