I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she peed on how many people?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A bitchslap is in order.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
