I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
