you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
