Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
