She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
