Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
