Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
