So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize