I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
