we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
