i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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