no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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