i don't like sucking hair
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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