I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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